I do not know what I feel, think, am any more. So much of who I thought I was has come unravelled. Just when the things you value most in life seem solid, something like this comes and knocks the legs out from under it. SKG. I cannot fathom what is driving me in all this; I think you still feel the same but are trying to do the right thing. But what is the right thing?
Most of all I'm haunted by the words of that old lady to me as a houseman: "those were the best years of my life." And to have only found them at 60...
I am not unhappy with Jess. In many ways she knows me deeper and better than anyone. She makes me smile, laugh, she's thoughtful attentive and kind, she's patient and longsuffering, generous and interesting. But my heart doesn't quicken, skip a beat. And I can't say it ever has, to my memory. Or is that all just so long ago now its been shoved down, forgotten? And what about the man I wanted to be? A cheat? A philandering pig? Why am I here in this place? Have I created it because I haven't faced up to what these feelings were when I met Nic? I thought we'd been through this, and talked it to death. And I agreed with myself to compromise. And yet
The one side:
Right thing...right for Jess? No, cruel, heartache, demeaning. The bastards choice. You've weathered it before, you can again.
Right thing for SKG? I have nothing to offer, except my own lust and passion, and a desire to lavish that on her. Why would she want to be the other woman? Nothing of value for her there except being used.
Right thing for me? What do I truly value in my life? Is sex the only thing? Is sexual frisson the only thing? And if not, is it really worth risking and potentially giving up everything you have with Jess for? And potentially losing SKG anyway in time? After all how well do you know her?
The other side:
Right thing for Jess? Well how can it be right to stay with someone you don't feel true physical attraction for anymore? Isn't THAT the ultimate betrayal?
SKG - sometimes life is complicated and things come along when you are least expecting them. How will we know if it is flash in the pan unless we try. Do you feel the same rush? What if this is what both of us are looking for? She has nothing to lose really it's me taking the risk.
Right thing for me? Well, I am trying to see beyond the rush of emotion - but SKG presses all my buttons, which makes it hard to see clearly. Should I try to get to know her? Or let her push me away into the colleague cupboard? Do I want her enough to want to be that guy?
Ultimately her call, I'll have to deal with her choice. But I need to talk with her, let her know where I'm at. Maybe doing that takes the frisson, the magic away. The FB flirting has gone already so I guess its dead in the water anyhow. Will this all be just water under the bridge when I leave for HH in August? We are pretty isolated up there from the social goings on of RSCH so I might as well be in another hospital.
Tuesday, 9 July 2013
Friday, 6 August 2010
One drunken night Flipper and I...
So all the "we're cool it's forgotten" stuff was just a lie after all...
You obviously think I am a fool. I am gutted you are walking away. But I know there is more to this than you are saying. Well since we are not friends, now there is no reason to be concerned about what you think or not to speak directly.
I completely trusted you Philippa. You have held all the cards here. While you couldn't have known all my background problems, I amsure you know I am not the only guy who would have misunderstood your intentions let's not kid each other. Alcohol is no excuse we both know that. And while I know there was no malice, it would be nice if you had respected me a bit more when I was honest with you about how it had affected me, rather than just treating me as a professional problem to be managed and laughing about me.
Actually that is what is most hurtful and makes me most angry: because you won't even give me the dignity of a chance to learn from any of this. I am not an idiot. I know you aren't interested and I am not hoping you will be either. I just was hoping I wouldn't lose a friend in the process (in fact two, because Cally's little ray of sunshine will inevitably have to follow your lead.) I am not pining like a puppy for you - the attraction was transitory. What knocked me for six was its impact on underlying problems in my marriage. I think you have mistaken my eagerness for us still to be friends and things to be ok as a desire for something else.
It may surprise you but I really thought we were mates. When I asked you if we were cool and you said yes I couldn't believe my ears. I dared hope against all bitter expereience that maybe there might be a positive outcome to this mess in which I wouldn't after all lose two friends. That maybe you were for real in your seemingly collected , chilled out and adult way of talking. But the act has slipped a bit on your side hasn't it and it was fairly clear by sunday what you really thought, hence my asking you directly.
I 'm sorry that you would find me something to laugh over with other colleagues. If I have seemed oversensitive and needy of friendship to you in all of this mess, it may not have occurred to you that my family, my friends and everyone I know loves Jess and thinks the world of her. Half the people at work even know her. And at Worthing, where I now am, every single one of my working colleagues knows and loves her. There is literally no one I am close to at work who I can safely talk this out with. Even my dad thinks the world of Jess. So yes some days I feel lost. Some days I feel as though I might break.
Because the decision to walk away from my marriage would mean facing the disapproval anger and rejection of most of those who make up my life. So I'm sorry if you cannot handle my feelings of being uncertain of myself and seeking at least some acceptance from Cally and you, but perhaps they may seem a little less laughable to you now...
Ultimately I am gutted that all I am to you is an annoying problem to be avoided. I won't lie - that hurts. No, not because I fancied you, but because it just isnt nice knowing that is what people feel when they see or think of you.
I have learned a lot from you this year and you have been a great Reg. I am sorry you did not feel there was a friendship worth having too. But since you get to walk away unscathed, whether or not you have the decency to do it to my face or not, you should have the honesty to acknowledge at least to yourself your part in all of this. I do not believe you are really half as surprised as you made out.
And I hope that if you are ever unfortunately in the same boat, someone treats you with a little more kindness and respect. You deserve at least that much.
You obviously think I am a fool. I am gutted you are walking away. But I know there is more to this than you are saying. Well since we are not friends, now there is no reason to be concerned about what you think or not to speak directly.
I completely trusted you Philippa. You have held all the cards here. While you couldn't have known all my background problems, I amsure you know I am not the only guy who would have misunderstood your intentions let's not kid each other. Alcohol is no excuse we both know that. And while I know there was no malice, it would be nice if you had respected me a bit more when I was honest with you about how it had affected me, rather than just treating me as a professional problem to be managed and laughing about me.
Actually that is what is most hurtful and makes me most angry: because you won't even give me the dignity of a chance to learn from any of this. I am not an idiot. I know you aren't interested and I am not hoping you will be either. I just was hoping I wouldn't lose a friend in the process (in fact two, because Cally's little ray of sunshine will inevitably have to follow your lead.) I am not pining like a puppy for you - the attraction was transitory. What knocked me for six was its impact on underlying problems in my marriage. I think you have mistaken my eagerness for us still to be friends and things to be ok as a desire for something else.
It may surprise you but I really thought we were mates. When I asked you if we were cool and you said yes I couldn't believe my ears. I dared hope against all bitter expereience that maybe there might be a positive outcome to this mess in which I wouldn't after all lose two friends. That maybe you were for real in your seemingly collected , chilled out and adult way of talking. But the act has slipped a bit on your side hasn't it and it was fairly clear by sunday what you really thought, hence my asking you directly.
I 'm sorry that you would find me something to laugh over with other colleagues. If I have seemed oversensitive and needy of friendship to you in all of this mess, it may not have occurred to you that my family, my friends and everyone I know loves Jess and thinks the world of her. Half the people at work even know her. And at Worthing, where I now am, every single one of my working colleagues knows and loves her. There is literally no one I am close to at work who I can safely talk this out with. Even my dad thinks the world of Jess. So yes some days I feel lost. Some days I feel as though I might break.
Because the decision to walk away from my marriage would mean facing the disapproval anger and rejection of most of those who make up my life. So I'm sorry if you cannot handle my feelings of being uncertain of myself and seeking at least some acceptance from Cally and you, but perhaps they may seem a little less laughable to you now...
Ultimately I am gutted that all I am to you is an annoying problem to be avoided. I won't lie - that hurts. No, not because I fancied you, but because it just isnt nice knowing that is what people feel when they see or think of you.
I have learned a lot from you this year and you have been a great Reg. I am sorry you did not feel there was a friendship worth having too. But since you get to walk away unscathed, whether or not you have the decency to do it to my face or not, you should have the honesty to acknowledge at least to yourself your part in all of this. I do not believe you are really half as surprised as you made out.
And I hope that if you are ever unfortunately in the same boat, someone treats you with a little more kindness and respect. You deserve at least that much.
Breathe
Help, I have done it again...
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there's noone else to blame
Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, enfold me,
I am small, and needy
Warm me up, and breathe me.
Ouch, I have lost myself again...
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah, I think that I might break.
I've lost myself and I feel unsafe...
Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, enfold me,
I am small, and needy
Warm me up, and breathe me.
Sia Furler
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there's noone else to blame
Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, enfold me,
I am small, and needy
Warm me up, and breathe me.
Ouch, I have lost myself again...
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah, I think that I might break.
I've lost myself and I feel unsafe...
Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, enfold me,
I am small, and needy
Warm me up, and breathe me.
Sia Furler
Friday, 7 May 2010
Ah the awkward silences...frayed with time.
Step one I say we need to talk
She walks, I say sit down it's just a talk
She smiles politely back at you
She stares politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As I go left and she stays right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And I begin to wonder why I came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let her know that she knows best
Cause after all she does know best
Try to slip past her defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things she's told him all along
And pray to God, she hears you
And pray to God, he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As she begins to raise her voice
You lower yours and grant her one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
She will do one of two things
She will admit to everything
Or she'll say she's just not the same
And you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
The Fray
She walks, I say sit down it's just a talk
She smiles politely back at you
She stares politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As I go left and she stays right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And I begin to wonder why I came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let her know that she knows best
Cause after all she does know best
Try to slip past her defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things she's told him all along
And pray to God, she hears you
And pray to God, he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As she begins to raise her voice
You lower yours and grant her one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
She will do one of two things
She will admit to everything
Or she'll say she's just not the same
And you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
The Fray
Tuesday, 26 August 2008
Trust
Hi,
I am finally seeing patients and have remembered I actually quite like it thank god. I'm finally recovering and rebuilding a reasonable existence again. Unfortunately I've not managed to bring my exercise up to the level I was doing, watch this space -well, perhaps in view of your knee i'm been fortunate to be lazy.
In terms of meeting up/ rebuilding friendships etc... Yes I do want to and thank you for trying. I'm not really at present up for the spontaneous let's go out/ go walking/ do the crossowrd etc. Perhaps I do feel it is a little too soon and keen -I know you are the sort of person that would want things to happen yesterday :-)
I have two problems to deal with: firstly that a lot of hurt went on before and as a self defence mechanism distance seems to be a way of avioding a repeat of that. With time that will fade I'm sure but I don't want to set us up for any more hurt.
The second issue is i'm not sure James is too keen on the idea of me spending time with you. Normally i'd not pay any heed to his opinions on my social life -I know if I put my foot down he'd be ok but I actually don't think it's fair on him. I've had 4 months essentially not seeing him and within the first couple of weeks of me being able to spend time with him i tell him, actually i'm off to meet up with duncan for dinner...do you see what i mean? it's not a trust thing, i do trust you but James has seen the hurt that went on before and would wonder why I was setting myself up for it again. It's difficult to explain exactly and it wasn't until you kept asking that I thought through why I felt uneasy about meeting up. I hope it makes some element of sense...I guess I've put it on the other foot -that is to say if James had a friend from work like you-i would be unhappy about him meeting up with her.
I do feel a PRH FY1 gathering might be called for before xmas though? I'll check which e mails i have and try a group one ...midNovember? Dolphin? better suggestions?
nic
I am finally seeing patients and have remembered I actually quite like it thank god. I'm finally recovering and rebuilding a reasonable existence again. Unfortunately I've not managed to bring my exercise up to the level I was doing, watch this space -well, perhaps in view of your knee i'm been fortunate to be lazy.
In terms of meeting up/ rebuilding friendships etc... Yes I do want to and thank you for trying. I'm not really at present up for the spontaneous let's go out/ go walking/ do the crossowrd etc. Perhaps I do feel it is a little too soon and keen -I know you are the sort of person that would want things to happen yesterday :-)
I have two problems to deal with: firstly that a lot of hurt went on before and as a self defence mechanism distance seems to be a way of avioding a repeat of that. With time that will fade I'm sure but I don't want to set us up for any more hurt.
The second issue is i'm not sure James is too keen on the idea of me spending time with you. Normally i'd not pay any heed to his opinions on my social life -I know if I put my foot down he'd be ok but I actually don't think it's fair on him. I've had 4 months essentially not seeing him and within the first couple of weeks of me being able to spend time with him i tell him, actually i'm off to meet up with duncan for dinner...do you see what i mean? it's not a trust thing, i do trust you but James has seen the hurt that went on before and would wonder why I was setting myself up for it again. It's difficult to explain exactly and it wasn't until you kept asking that I thought through why I felt uneasy about meeting up. I hope it makes some element of sense...I guess I've put it on the other foot -that is to say if James had a friend from work like you-i would be unhappy about him meeting up with her.
I do feel a PRH FY1 gathering might be called for before xmas though? I'll check which e mails i have and try a group one ...midNovember? Dolphin? better suggestions?
nic
Monday, 25 August 2008
Am I still in love or is this really different?
Hiya Nic,
Hope you had some sunshine this bank holiday! Midlands very sunny so managed to remind myself it is august after all! Even went out for a 40 mile bike ride which was fab right up until the point I managed to fall off and crack my knee with a spectacular "SPLAT!" and a distinct lack of dignity!. Now have a knee the size of a grapefruit which will hopefully disappear soon, and hopefully hasn't produced any haemarthrosis!!! It has put a (hopefully temporary) spanner in my morning torture over the beacon though!!
You are quite right about weekends, they are things to be grateful for! Am on call next weekend (D'oh - bunch of still green Hos!) but not too evil a rota at the moment. And apart from the odd incredibly sad moment - thanks for a sympathetic ear by the way - I have had some wonderful laughs recently as well: we were in Jowers ward and I just got an uncontrollable fit of the giggles because there was this line of little old ladies in beds with wizend faces, assorted dentureless expressions and erratic tufts of white hair all with these bright little beady eyes fixing us - it was like something out of the muppet show - I kept expecting Kermit to appear! And right on cue, this nurse who for the life of me reminds me of Fozzy Bear arrives. Oh it was priceless - moments like that make me forget the madness of NHS mayhem in hospitals. And there still seems to be enough time to keep some kind of life together! I am trying to find a decent subaqua club at the moment so I can complete the rest of the open water having been hooked in Gozo!! Did I tell you about that? Ah you see, loads still to catch up on!
And how is GP land treating you? Are you seeing your own patients yet? Have you referred anyone to the murphinator yet?! What do you do all day??!!! How are they keeping you busy? It sounds at least as though the structured teaching is better organised than medicine (which, let's face it would not be hard!) Are you getting some of your baking urges back now your life is more human again?
I know you probably don't miss anything about being in hospitals, but has it ever struck you, isn't it a bizarre feeling to think we are some how part of the fabric of patient care here having been working this area a while? I came across an old House officer clerking of mine on the wards the other day. And watching the Hos struggle their way through on calls brings back some memories I can tell you. But it does encourage me in how far we have come as Docs too. I keep trying to remind myself of that in those "oooooooohhhhhh shiiiiiiitttt!!!" moments that keep you humble!!
Nic, I guess email seems to have been the medium that enabled communication between us when other things broke down, so I guess that is why I am sending this one: in the spirit of honesty and openness that we had come to!
I know that friendship will be tricky at first and trust will be an issue: I guess I don't really know how I can ever repair that or if it is possible. I just know that I want to, that is, if you do as well...? I think you have said before you did, I hope I didn't misunderstand...?
SO anyway, having realised the GPs have absolutely no crossover with CMT at all as far as I can tell, I suppose I just wanted to set my stall out.
You know how I feel about the friendship; and in the normal order of things, I am often one to chase down friends and try and get time with them to keep a friendship on solid ground, being gregarious. But things are different here and I confess I find myself unsure of how to play things. I don't want to crowd you. But I don't want to be distant either. And since there is no crossover in our professional circle and mutual acquaintances are far flung, it seems unlikely that it will be easy to arrange to see you with other people around in an unforced way.
So I guess mulling it over, the only thing I can suggest is that I leave it entirely to you to make contact as and when and how you would like to meet up? Not because I would not like to see you otherwise, but because I thought giving you control might make it easier - my enthusiasm and general "let's crack on and do stuff - yesterday is not soon enough" approach to things might be easily misconstrued and make me seem pushy.
I do miss the easiness of just being able to call you or catch up spontaneously or go for a walk or whatever - I suppose this email is in part an expression of that. But I do not want you feeling uneasy either. So this is my way of (I hope non-threateningly) saying "over to you". I can't pretend distance doesn't hurt a bit, but it is my mistake, and your call. So in the hope that it will not always be this way, and the hope that one day things will be easy and spontaneous between us again I'll leave it with you, and you let me know how things should go. I'll do my best to follow.
D
xxx
Hope you had some sunshine this bank holiday! Midlands very sunny so managed to remind myself it is august after all! Even went out for a 40 mile bike ride which was fab right up until the point I managed to fall off and crack my knee with a spectacular "SPLAT!" and a distinct lack of dignity!. Now have a knee the size of a grapefruit which will hopefully disappear soon, and hopefully hasn't produced any haemarthrosis!!! It has put a (hopefully temporary) spanner in my morning torture over the beacon though!!
You are quite right about weekends, they are things to be grateful for! Am on call next weekend (D'oh - bunch of still green Hos!) but not too evil a rota at the moment. And apart from the odd incredibly sad moment - thanks for a sympathetic ear by the way - I have had some wonderful laughs recently as well: we were in Jowers ward and I just got an uncontrollable fit of the giggles because there was this line of little old ladies in beds with wizend faces, assorted dentureless expressions and erratic tufts of white hair all with these bright little beady eyes fixing us - it was like something out of the muppet show - I kept expecting Kermit to appear! And right on cue, this nurse who for the life of me reminds me of Fozzy Bear arrives. Oh it was priceless - moments like that make me forget the madness of NHS mayhem in hospitals. And there still seems to be enough time to keep some kind of life together! I am trying to find a decent subaqua club at the moment so I can complete the rest of the open water having been hooked in Gozo!! Did I tell you about that? Ah you see, loads still to catch up on!
And how is GP land treating you? Are you seeing your own patients yet? Have you referred anyone to the murphinator yet?! What do you do all day??!!! How are they keeping you busy? It sounds at least as though the structured teaching is better organised than medicine (which, let's face it would not be hard!) Are you getting some of your baking urges back now your life is more human again?
I know you probably don't miss anything about being in hospitals, but has it ever struck you, isn't it a bizarre feeling to think we are some how part of the fabric of patient care here having been working this area a while? I came across an old House officer clerking of mine on the wards the other day. And watching the Hos struggle their way through on calls brings back some memories I can tell you. But it does encourage me in how far we have come as Docs too. I keep trying to remind myself of that in those "oooooooohhhhhh shiiiiiiitttt!!!" moments that keep you humble!!
Nic, I guess email seems to have been the medium that enabled communication between us when other things broke down, so I guess that is why I am sending this one: in the spirit of honesty and openness that we had come to!
I know that friendship will be tricky at first and trust will be an issue: I guess I don't really know how I can ever repair that or if it is possible. I just know that I want to, that is, if you do as well...? I think you have said before you did, I hope I didn't misunderstand...?
SO anyway, having realised the GPs have absolutely no crossover with CMT at all as far as I can tell, I suppose I just wanted to set my stall out.
You know how I feel about the friendship; and in the normal order of things, I am often one to chase down friends and try and get time with them to keep a friendship on solid ground, being gregarious. But things are different here and I confess I find myself unsure of how to play things. I don't want to crowd you. But I don't want to be distant either. And since there is no crossover in our professional circle and mutual acquaintances are far flung, it seems unlikely that it will be easy to arrange to see you with other people around in an unforced way.
So I guess mulling it over, the only thing I can suggest is that I leave it entirely to you to make contact as and when and how you would like to meet up? Not because I would not like to see you otherwise, but because I thought giving you control might make it easier - my enthusiasm and general "let's crack on and do stuff - yesterday is not soon enough" approach to things might be easily misconstrued and make me seem pushy.
I do miss the easiness of just being able to call you or catch up spontaneously or go for a walk or whatever - I suppose this email is in part an expression of that. But I do not want you feeling uneasy either. So this is my way of (I hope non-threateningly) saying "over to you". I can't pretend distance doesn't hurt a bit, but it is my mistake, and your call. So in the hope that it will not always be this way, and the hope that one day things will be easy and spontaneous between us again I'll leave it with you, and you let me know how things should go. I'll do my best to follow.
D
xxx
Sunday, 6 July 2008
Friendship
Thank you. After all this I would like to be friends. I certainly after all your perseverance and explanations no longer feel threatened and have even gone some way towards learning something about myself (well trying to at least!). I agree with all you've said apart from the bit about remaining on purely professional terms, I suspect given time we'll realise we've too much in common to carry on like things have been.
Indeed to have any kind of life and social contact will be a relief. I'm led to believe that the ESH A+E rota is quite special even amongst A+E rotas due to the weekend/ evening commitment.- perhaps brighton will be ok. I consider myself lucky and thank inanimate objects daily that come August I have no more A+E to do.
Practically: Perhaps for the best I'm not around in brighton until next april if my rotations are confirmed. Although i guess I'll have teaching and things. By then bygones will almost certainly be bygones and we'll be worryng about other things i'm sure. Passing time of day with the occasional coffee/ social occasion would be great but please forgive me if i don't immediately slip back into the kind of friendship we had before.
Anyway, enough sleep deprived ramblings (post-first night-itis) if there's anything i'venot answered or answered incoherantly (apologies for spelling/ typos etc) then i'll have to get back to you after some sleep!
nic x
Indeed to have any kind of life and social contact will be a relief. I'm led to believe that the ESH A+E rota is quite special even amongst A+E rotas due to the weekend/ evening commitment.- perhaps brighton will be ok. I consider myself lucky and thank inanimate objects daily that come August I have no more A+E to do.
Practically: Perhaps for the best I'm not around in brighton until next april if my rotations are confirmed. Although i guess I'll have teaching and things. By then bygones will almost certainly be bygones and we'll be worryng about other things i'm sure. Passing time of day with the occasional coffee/ social occasion would be great but please forgive me if i don't immediately slip back into the kind of friendship we had before.
Anyway, enough sleep deprived ramblings (post-first night-itis) if there's anything i'venot answered or answered incoherantly (apologies for spelling/ typos etc) then i'll have to get back to you after some sleep!
nic x
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