Walking...

Timer: 8mths 14 days

Walking. Some days that is what living seems like. Just putting one foot in front of the other until you get to the end of things. There has not been much time built in for stepping back and taking stock. Currently that is probably a desirable state of affairs given my maudlin tendencies!

What is it about infatuation that is so hard to shake? 8 years married on tuesday. But I spent it trying to stave off thinking about N. Adulterous of heart...and yet it is all in my head. Isn't it?

Way past that now. Is there a way back I wonder? I think not. Only a way forward...but there isn't a very good map for this part of the journey. Not sure how I can pick a route that doesn't end in a break up and ends up rebuilding closeness to J. How is it possible to be happy in someone's company for so long without realising that you are not connected? How long have I known that things have been headed this way?

Choice 1: Say nothing to N, press on with trying to forget about her, see as little of her as possible. Press on with trying to build a relationship back to J.
Best case: I hurt for a bit, the relationship grows stronger and we have a future together
Worst case: This unrequited ache goes on for the longest time, our marriage falls apart under the strain and I am left holding the ashes. Deserved but miserable.

Choice 2: Tell N. everything.
Best case: She feels the same and is willing to jump. Big risk for both of you. May and probably will go wrong. Carpe Diem? Fools and pioneers leap into the unknown?
Worst case: Friendship shot. Friendship group shot. Nothing gained except possibly closure.

Choice 3: Try to separate N from J. You owe J some effort. Work on this for some time and try to ignore/separate everything you feel for N from the issue of your relationship with J.
Best case: What I feel for N is nothing but a flash in the pan. Feelings for J (re)born. Marriage saved.
Worst case: J continues to be no more than a friend. The distance from N is too far at least to say how I felt now. Marriage over, friendship over. Ashes.

How do you decide what you want knowing that every choice involves someone hurting?
This is my nightmare, I can't remember falling asleep and every time I pinch myself to wake up I just keep surfacing into the same bad dream.