The Counsellor.

Don't know what this is an outlet for really. A space to maybe reflect and give vent to how I really feel?

So, the counsellor: pleasant, sensible sounding, has made the following observations.

1. The space I allow myself to give vent to what I really feel deep down is shut down, made smaller by my logical rational, frameworked side.
2. My previous framework for dealing with crises is gone - a belief in a caring deity that underpinned everything, and a moral framework. What has/will replace it? How will I now deal with difficult crises when they come my way?

So how do I really feel. I feel like a teenager. Unrequited love once again. Unavailable girl once again. Lost, silly, emotionally shot, randy as hell, desperate to get into bed with the one I am attracted to. Ah nicola, what will I do? Even the smell of you drives me crazy. Mooning and halfwitted lovestruck fool that I am! I feel helpless and alone, because the one I am married to is not the one I feel this passion for, and yet I don't want to be the horrible one to hurt such a great woman. I feel angry and frustrated. Why didn't I wait? why didn't I wait and pursue relationships with girls as an adult man, experiment, find out what it meant to be in a relationship involving sex and learn to be a lover before committing to anyone and making such serious promises? Did I acquiesce to all the christian nonsense because I was so relieved that someone felt some affection in return? Did i think it was divine providence? I feel angry that I was so sure I managed to sell some silly evangelical morality to myself, without really finding certainty in practice. And now someone else will pay the ultimate price for my stupidity, and so will I. I feel afraid. Afraid of what leaving all that I have known of a relationship might mean. The pain anger and sorrow rippling out into the world into her and my family, breaking relationships and leaving a hole. Is it worth tearing up your world for nothing? IS it nothing? OR is it freedom to begin living your life for real?