Kisses

J made a move on me again today. Kissing, nosing/beaking...stroking my face. I know what she wants. She is my wife. She has feelings for me...feelings I just can't seem to find in myself to return. But why not? why not? Why can't I kiss back, why can't I caress back? Why can't I become a husband again and not some cold feelingless space wasting blob of flesh.

And then as I tell her I can't give her what she wants she makes light of it but I know it's just a cover to hide the pain. Why have my feelings changed? Why don't I want to love her back? What is wrong with me? What do I have to do to myself to make myself work right again? Am I permanently broken? Is it me?

I'm suddenly understanding that when you wake up from the horrible delusion that there might be a greater purpose to this existence that your own lifespan, and realise there is nothing but this and what you make of it, then the most important thing of all is to know love for and being loved by another person, wholly, wildly, imperfectly but passionately. And to know what it is to give that love to that other in return.

Without that, I'm not sure I see the point of being at all.

Primum non nocere? Primum non morire.