Living love

Seeing the counsellor has made me feel close to Jess again in new ways. Although it is a long way from passion, I am at least starting to feel connected again. Our physical closeness seems more natural now. But still there is an ache and an excitement I can;t explain when Nic walks in the room. And just when hope is dangled in front of me, those rush of feelings beg the question can counselling and therapy help me discover or rediscover a passion? Can it rekindle one? OR kindle one where it has never yet burned?

I love my wife. I love her creativity, I love her wicked sense of mischief, I love how gentle her temperament is, I love that she is thoughtful and kind, considerate of others, attentive to the needs of those around her, how she can talk to anyone, make anyone feel at ease. I admire her diligence her integrity, I love her sense of neatness and tidyness. I love her playfulness and ability to come up with puns and gags off the cuff that make me smile and make others laugh too. She is slim and beautiful, not just outside, but inside. In many respects she is the closest person to me on this planet - my best friend. We have come through a lot together.

I am particularly amazed at her faithfulness to me through this dark last 10 months. I would have left me! It never ceases to amaze me that I wake up and she is still here and still wants to be here. IT is truly a testament to her strength of character.

But despite all the things I love about Jess, I don't find myself burning with passion for her. We have not made love for the longest time. Almost all of our 8 years of marriage has been passionless like this. And I'm very afraid that this passion may never have been there to begin with. I can't connect with. can't remember feeling passionately lustfully in love with my wife. And although I tried to pretend it didn't matter, I begged a silent God to fill the gap, to unite us as man and wife were meant to be united, I have realised that I cannot live like this. I need to feel some of what I feel with Nic. Not just that first flush but that physical longing. Even unrequited it is better than not at all.

I need to feel that passion. I don't know why it is so important, but I have come to realise that it is essential to me. And if I cannot give that passion and receive it genuinely in this relationship, despite all the other good aspects, I will have to make one of the hardest and most terrifying, most painful decisions of my life. And I can't bear the thought of causing pain to someone so good and lovely, who has been such a pleasure to be with all this time. I love my wife, and this is my last ditch attempt to salvage my marriage. SHe has asked us to hand over the reigns to her and we'll get them back once things are moving in the right direction. I hope the counsellor knows their stuff because the alternative is too painful to contemplate.