How is it that one person can make me feel like this - these insane extremes of happiness and misery? Just being with her even when I know she won't have me makes me glow inside. Not even being acknowledged - the coldness and disdain, it is excruciating.
She sent me a message on bonfire night, telling me she had been up on the beacon with James sipping amaretto coffee. The cheapskate option she called it. I can't begin to put into words how that text made me feel, the darkness the unhappiness of remembered romantic longings and the anguish of knowing that I don't feel any of this when I'm with Jess. It is truly a form of madness. I want so badly to know how Nic feels in return, to at least know if I have any hope or if I can grieve. I am trying to put these feelings in perspective a little. It is hard to know how best to move forward with them - are they transient in their intensity - it doesn't seem so. So does that mean I should pay them heed and ignore everyone and force the situation between us? All that I have spoken with the counsellor about makes me wonder and wonder about how best to manage this violent storm of emotion. In part I guess that is what this blog is about : a catharsis for them.
My rational self thinks I should try and do what V suggested. A box. I need to put her in the box for now. No more contact, no more meeting up, avoid at all costs. Lock down for the time being. Now is not the time - the right time for tackling this relationship and opening the box and dealing with its contents will come but now is not it, because I have something else before me. And if I want to pretend to have any kind of integrity in this then I need to concentrate on what is happening in my marriage and at least try and make that work. And if the counsellor fails then at least I know where I am headed. And if she succeeds then I know what is in store for me too.
And the box...well the box contains a bonfire of passion and for now, it needs its lid firmly closing. If there is anything worth having then the embers will still be alight when the time comes.
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