Crying on the inside - that is how I feel most of the time right now. My life as I knew it is slowly disintegrating as I face up to a number of previously ignored problems. But just when you think things can't get worse, another kick in the teeth comes. Sat and Gill are expecting. And they're moving to Canada in January. And I want to be happy for them I want to wish them well but I can't muster up sincerity because I'm desperate and they have been one lifeline I thought I had in a storm. And now it's being cut. So there goes that support. And, in truth, there goes that friendship, as I have known it. Because the priorties HAVE to be different now.
And then there's Nic. I want to forget her, I want to be free of feeling this hopeless longing and paralysing "hanging on every contact" but I am not. How do I break free of this? It is like that black suit in Spiderman - it feels almost symbiotic, like it is trying to take over my soul. How am I supposed to concentrate on exercises to do with sex and arousal when I can't bring myself to tell Jess how I'm feeling, and when what is really on my mind is a deep longing to be with someone else. I don't want to hurt her any more than I have to. But it is looking like it's that or the ultimate pain when this all blows up and we separate.
For the first time, I had a fleeting thought about ending it all. Never a good sign.
"Maybe tomorrow, I'll wanna settle down, until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on."
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