The Letter

Dear Nicola

There is so much left unsaid. I hear what you have said about caring what others think, and about feeling suffocated. I hate unresolved endings so I suppose, having had a chance to process what you have said to me, this is my way of saying what I needed to without you having to worry about anyone else being around, or being “suffocated” and panicking.

So much has happened – and you have been a precious and important part of my life through all the big and life-shaping experiences of the last two years – someone I am gutted to lose. I really miss not being able to share stuff with you – we’ve been through a lot over the past two years together. So often someone says or does something funny, or I see something interesting and I think to myself “I must tell Nic about this” or “Nic would love this”; and then I remember that we don’t talk anymore. And I’m crushed. I suppose that was why I sent the texts and emails when I did. You never gave me the wrong impression, I was never under any illusions. I never thought you would be with me. I’m sorry you felt suffocated. I just missed - and sometimes when things have been darkest just really needed my friend back. And the long and horrid silences just made it harder. I have never been very good with silence…

I certainly wasn’t looking for anything or anyone before I met you, and I had not expected things to be the way they have turned out. I don’t know if you remember that evening in Sussex House with the Bamber when we were attempting to right the world? We fell to talking about relationships and I stand by what I said then: I have only ever fallen for people I liked first as people. It was my friendship with you that mattered first Nic. And it was the fact that our friendship mattered to me which kept me silent and fighting an inward battle for so long…

I miss my friend. I miss all your quirks and puzzles and cross-stitches and cakes; your passionate rants about medicine and how much you care about patients; how hard you work, how quick your mind is, how you love competition and games; but how shy you are when it comes to pushing yourself forward; how much you love food and cooking, and sweet things!; how much you like to dress up for balls; but that you are so laid back at home, and happy to schlomp; and your love of hot baths (hot house tendencies full stop!!!); how much fun you are, especially when your sozzled; the ferrets and other mustelidian things, the elephants, the crosswording and talking about far away places; the way you light up when you are excited about stuff; your stubbornness when you have set your mind or heart on something, and your determination to have your way; that shy smile that lights you up when someone connects with you…

At some level it is impossible to explain that aspect of relationship between two people, but there is that inexplicable element of “connection” between us – and I think that is why we got on so well. But more than all those things, I discovered you woke up something in me that I haven’t felt for the longest time – passion. Something about you I cannot explain made me feel passionate again Nic. And ultimately, to me that is what life is about – finding that deep friendship and that unexplainable passionate connection with someone – the connection we ascribe so often to “chemicals”!

I think my marriage may be ending. That had nothing to do with you. It had been in trouble a long long time before I met you. I have discovered to my cost that the deep friendship alone may not be enough for a marriage to survive, even when there is real tenderness and affection there. It turns out the relationship needs both: the friendship and the passionate connection you just can’t explain. And I don’t think it is something that comes along every day – maybe even only once or twice in a lifetime; and maybe for some people not at all.

You are not someone who wears their heart on their sleeve Nic – in fact in many respects you are very shy and quite difficult to fathom sometimes. But I think you felt something of that connection too. I think you felt something more than just friendship, unless I have completely misread you. Not that you were trying to mislead me, just that we connected as more than just friends…

It would certainly make more sense of how difficult you found it to remain friends after the initial awkwardness of things, and would help me make sense of how threatening you found my desire to rebuild a friendship. I have limited experience of it, but previously I have never known anyone be so awkward about saying they are not interested. Mostly people have said they’re flattered but don’t feel the same, things have been a bit rough for a while and then friendship has resumed again because being honest has cleared the air…

I know you are with someone else Nic. At the end of the day, as I said, I really care about you, and I care that you are really, truly happy. I hope you are. I hope it all works out for you; that you do have that friendship (I know you do, you have said so), but also that you have that passionate unexplained connection; if you do, then guard it with your life.

But if you don’t, and things should ever change…I hope you will look me up.

And if I’ve got it all wrong, and you never felt anything, then I guess you can leave me with my pleasant delusion. The alternative is that it was the most superficial of friendships for which you didn’t care at all, and I would rather not have been mistaken about you. I have found it painful and difficult to understand why any gesture of friendship or restoration I have made is thrown back in my face, and is so threatening to you. To be honest, I am tired of being the one trying to mend our friendship. I have nothing left. Although you say different, your actions say you want as little to do with me as possible. And as I have said before, the one thing I don’t do is pretend.


Either way, feeling “suffocated” is not really something you feel about a friend when they do nice things. So you were right, if you feel like that, then friendship is not an option for you. I won’t speak to you or write again unless you choose it, and I leave the friendship such as it is and was with you to decide on. It would be wonderful if you chose to reply, but I will not expect one.

Good bye Nicola.
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