Byegones

Nic this is silly. The fact that we are pinging texts back and forth about this is a reflection that not only have we both been badly hurt by all this but that there was sincere and genuine friendship on both sides.

I hope you can understand my perspective: I made myself enormously vulnerable, had a deep affection for you as a friend, which then spilled over into liking you as more than that. I hoped there was an outside chance you felt the same. But deep down, I never kidded myself that anything would come of it. And you made your feelings very clear. I just hoped maybe our friendship could have survived. I would have gotten over how I felt about you romantically - of course I would, because from my perspective your friendship was not worth losing. That is why I was so hurt when you seemed to be rejecting and trivialising that too.

The problem, from what you have said, is that without knowing it, I made you relive a nightmare. And maybe that is why you said and did some very hurtful things? Because you were afraid I would not be able to leave those romantic feelings at the door? We are older than we were back then - one thing I do know is not to waste time on romantic feelings for someone who doesn't feel the same! That is not what I was chasing to get back from you - I wanted our friendship back. Because it meant something to me too. It was something that seemed worth enduring a little awkwardness and pain to preserve to me. And I hoped it would be for you to.

And from what you have said now, the friendship did mean something to you too. Because you kept that so deeply hidden over the last few months, I thought this had all meant very little to you. On top of which you made me feel like I was some sort of threat to you - something I did not know how to interpret. I had no idea that you had been angry or anything other than indifferent most of the time until your last couple of texts. So I was very surprised and incredulous when you said that you were hurt.

I admit that I pushed you for a reaction because I was hurt. And when you hurt me, I lashed out in return. Neither very grown up responses. I apologise for those.

But I hope that you can understand why I behaved the way I did. And the last few exchanges of text have helped me to understand why you had behaved the way you did. I am sorry for my part in you reliving a nightmare. If we learn anything from this, I hope it is that if we had talked to each other properly sooner, much of the hurt might have been avoided. I certainly wish I had been up front with you sooner.

I don't bear you any ill will from what has happened, and I hope you will forgive me for hurting you too. I still think it is better that we keep things distant to give time and space to heal, but I won't treat you coldly or unkindly at work. And who knows? Maybe what emerges from all this will be better than what was before. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?!