Fair Enough

Wow, so much water under the bridge. I appreciate the time you've taken to outline things.

I suspect the root of the problem is that you wear your emotions on your sleeve and i've a long history of bottling them up. Mainly for fear of having them thrown back at me in much the same way as I've done to you.

I know you'll say all of this should have been said months ago to save us all the hurt... In an ideal world it would have been, but my emotional behaviour is something reflex and inflexible as I have shown. Bear with me as I try some more honesty without the previous 'guardedness' that has caused so much hurt. (I agree about learning from this and am trying to learn from what I've done to you)

After the night in the pub i thought about things a lot, although I really did not want to hurt you I came to the conclusion that no friendship was worth jepordising James. As it happens I've been an idiot -he has taken the whole deal in his stride. My other concern was (and is) that I really value Jess as a friend too. I know how I would feel if I were her -that this whole mess were 'the other woman's' fault, not only was I to lose her as a friend, but I am aware that I'll work/ live near her in the future. This is what I mean by profesional ramifications. The wrath of nurses is something I like to get only if i bring it upon myself! As I had had no active part in things I entirely blamed you for this problem. All in all I thought it better to be rude than a tease. I (erroneously) thought that the middle ground would be misinterpreted by you, jess, james, other friends/ family, colleagues etc as it had been once before in m life. I felt
responsible for not realising sooner your feelings, and made my response loud and clear.

For what it's worth, while I'm giving my accont of things, I had talked things through with James on one occasion last summer -that perhaps your intentions were not as they seemed and I should be careful -he dismissed me as daft and that you were happily attached. End of story -well, that'll teach me for relying on 'bloke judgement' rather than 'girly intution'.

Things got sillier - i realised by the degree of emotion involved that you felt more than a passing 'the grass is greener' thing for me; then that I was handling things badly, so i tried to be honest whilst maitaining a distance and offended you further and further. I then got a fed up of hurtful messages with the odd present which served to confirm that all blokes are evil etc and I was better off relying on no-one (hence cold nic).

Combined with the rest of our lives -a difficult time for both of us although I know I don't show it- we have contrived to hurt each other a lot. Your response is to lash out and mine is to withdraw -as I say: the root of the problem.

Whether you can forgive the enormous amount of hurt only time will tell. I'm certain it will take more than a carrot cake....let me know.

nic
ps Who am I kidding? - like I've got the time or the inclination to bake in A+E - the wretched life of a cas officer is proving a dark time indeed for a morning person.