Forgiven

Well Nic! You don't stop surprising me. Still waters run deep. Thank you for being open and honest with me - for being prepared to try it - I realise that might not have been easy or have come easily.


So, to answer your questions and worries:

Jess: I cannot think of someone less likely to open her mouth in spite or gossip than Jess. I do not know a more patient or forgiving person, and her love and forbearance in all of this is the only thing that has kept me remotely sane. She does not bear you a grudge, nor would she badmouth you to colleagues. If you were to encounter her at work (a relative rarity as an ITU nurse given we are only SHOs) then it would be like her to be professional polite and friendly. I know she does not bear you any ill will. The fault has been entirely mine and she knows that. I have told you how I intend to behave. The only person I had to say I had had a falling out with was you was Ruth Hartley because she wanted me to invite you to dinner with her and a few other people. I think that for the time being that is a bad idea, but in the future I hope those things will be a real possibility.

The hurt: I may be irrascible but I can also be forgiving. I hope that is a slightly redeeming quality in my tempestuous nature. So yes, I think I can forgive you. God knows I've not exactly conducted myself with perfection in this mess. I hope (and I kind of take your email to suggest you hope too) that we can still be friends after all this. And that you will forgive me.

So if that is the case I guess some things would need to be clarified:

1. Do you still want to be friends? (The alternatives would be to part ways amicably, or keep things purely professional)

2. Do you feel reciprocal friendshio that you want to try and preserve still or has the hurt been too much? (Part of 1 really)

3. How do you want to leave things practically?
I suggest we give ourselves the 6 weeks until Brighton starts, to recover from duelling! So that would be a "civil contact but only if we run into each other" policy again - Longer if we need it, we can play that one by ear.

4. Once we are at brighton, how do you want to play things?
I guess my hope is that with time and given the public forum of being at work, we can still be friends and colleagues to each other. I would never want to put any pressure on this process because it will be fragile and perhaps a little faltering to start with; but I think the one hugely positive thing in our favour is that we have learned a vast amount about each other - good and bad, - and that would hopefully help understanding and communication in the future. I'll try not to be 'up in your space', and you let me know if I am!

For me being colleagues and friends does include drinking coffee or eating lunch occasionally, swapping gossip and catching up etc, but that can be played by ear and the last thing I would want is for there to be awkwardness. There are likely to be medical and mess events where we are both there, and I hope we can chat and share stories and socialise and be as we once were from that respect - a support and encouragement to each other.
It goes without saying that professionally, I will treat you like I treat every other colleague and there will be not a word said by me about what has happened this year.

One really important thing to say: I can bear with any amount of difficulty on your part in finding your natural ease and feeling comfortable with us being friends again if I know the intention and desire to achieve that is there on your behalf. If it isn't PLEASE PLEASE be honest and up front about that with me.

5. Meeting up in any other context. This will be the hardest, and most complex part of it. For now, and for a good while to come, I would not expect to do this except with other friends or with our partners present. Again we can play this one by ear over time. I hope that things like Balls and mess socials where partners can come would be possible for both us and even them too in the future.

Who knows, with enough water under the bridge, you may still recover a friendship with Jess and I with James. They have both conducted themselves with great dignity through this - and you can please tell James that I am very grateful to him for that, and that I am very sorry for all of my feelings running away with me. It rather got in the way of getting to know a thoroughly likeable chap.

So yes Nic, I think I can get over the hurt and forgive it. I am glad that email has allowed us to talk when emotions recently might not have. And I yes, I forgive you:

and by that, I mean that assuming the answer to point 1 needing clarifying is yes, then as much as you should wish to take me up on it I will be a friend who is loyal, defends and protects you and will be there as much as you ask for. Me style, you know!! I don;t want to tread on eggshells around you, or you around me. If I unwittingly overstep a mark or do something you feel is awkward for you, just let me know there is a problem and we'll sort it.

And er...should you feel more inclined to bake a carrot cake out of A&E in Brighton, I would never say no to a slice and a cuppa!! Pity me, I have another 6 MONTHS of A&E next summer to look forward to! Self inflicted I guess!

So, I hope that has set us on the road to preserving a friendship.

However, I will understand if you feel the answer to one is no, and we need to go our separate ways, and although I will be sad, I will try not to let that affect my professional demeanour towards you.

So your turn to let me know I guess...take as much time as you need.

Duncan